WordWeb©, my super-cool dictionary program which can explain just about everything (like did you know that Muzak is an actual word with a meaning? Word doesn’t but then again Word can’t even stick to SA or UK English for 5 seconds before it defaults to US spelling and starts bathing your document in that lovely red zig-zag pattern, I like to think of them as rumble strips for your words, just so they don’t dose off, whoa this is turning into a major parenthetical note), defines a metrosexual as “An urban-living fashion-conscious man; a heterosexual with many attributes commonly attributed to gay men”. Basically if you’re a guy and like wearing nail-polish like David Beckham you are a metrosexual. The question is, why are men doing more and more womanly things? Why is everything that used to be the preserve of women being shoved in a blue bottle with “For Men” on it and being sold to us at handsome profits?
I think it starts slowly, you realise that being clean is good so you buy a good bottle of shower gel, but then it’s on promotion with a loufah sponge, and next thing you know you’re exfoliating every second day, using things called moisturisers and toners, I mean it was just such a bargain to get all those extra goodies with the shower gel at the same price! How could I turn it down?
Being clean is socially acceptable as long as you don’t have OCD about it; choice of past-times, however, is a little more debatable. Ruckster took up playing the violin, or ‘violon’ as he spells it, a week or two ago. When I first heard he was playing the violin I wanted to change his pseudonym to Gaylord; it just seemed so effeminate and like he couldn’t do it authentically without wearing those leotards, super-soft girly shoes, and puffy things around the shoulders. But after hearing some violin music and Ruckster saying that he could get into an orchestra it didn’t seem as reprehensible as I initially thought.
The ‘violon’ saga got me thinking about where we draw the line on metrosexual behaviour but what really prompted my need to speak out was the BossMan ballet fiasco. BossMan is a friend of mine, who’s about 21 going on 35. He is a strapping lad who dresses strangely enough at times to not even be considered metrosexual.
Lastnight after young adults Bible study, I started chatting to him about maybe swapping out my turn for AWANA games. He said he couldn’t because he had some ballet thing on. Now a guy attending a ballet is kind of naff, unless his girlfriend’s in it or she likes ballet so much that he cannot, after numerous attempts, escape going with her. So I asked why he was watching ballet, and he said “No, I am in the ballet” and went on to explain how he had to play a minor role in the ballet and gave me the name (sounded something like Geezla), and how all the other male dancers were either gay or limp-wristed. And I’m thinking “Is there anything more gay than ballet? ‘violon’ aint got anything on this. Gaylord sounds like a euphemism to describe this. Can I coin a new term like ‘Gay-Emperor’ to describe this level of metrosexuality?”
But BossMan redeemed himself. If you know BossMan well you’ll notice that nothing he ever does or has done is anything less than the best thing any human being can ever do at that point in time. If he went to a concert it was amazing; if he stayed at home and relaxed it was the most refreshing experience of his life; if he’s going on holiday it will be the best vacation anyone has ever had; if he is washing the dishes it is the most extraordinary act of service and self-sacrifice known to man. But for the first time BossMan sounded as if this ballet experience wasn’t going to be the most exciting experience of his life. In fact he said “I’m not really looking forward to it.” Man just that was enough for him to brush off the label of Gay-Emperor with ease.
I am not the most manly of guys you’d meet, I shave with a razor, not a bush knife, I use lotion (man that was hard to admit), and I cannot snap your neck between my bicep and forearm. But I feel obliged to start an organisation called Real men Against Metrosexual Behaviour Oh yeah, or RAMBO if you will.
RAMBO has observed men embrace metrosexual behaviour in the belief that they’ll get women that way. Paganini (the greatest violinist of all time) is cited by a certain violin fan in defence of the masculinity of playing the violin: "I am not handsome, but when women hear me play, they come crawling to my feet." We are not entirely convinced.
Hence, RAMBO’s first public maxim to the world is thus:
Doing womanly things does not make you more attractive to the opposite sex, it makes you queer, stop it.
8 comments:
Hmmm... There was a big to-do about some pastor who made a comment about real men not having to use 'face-cream' when the men went away on a men's camp. No-one 'has' to use face-cream, people do cause they want to, and so since women do, it's attributed to femininity and vanity. I think we gotta stop making such a big fuss about it, really. It's just face-cream. It's just the violin, and musical instrument created by, and first played ONLY by men. Ballet ook. I just don't like this 'Wild at Heart' approach to 'male' things. It restricts people and makes them ashamed of who they are.
Hey?
Sorry for long comment. It's just an interesting topic.
That's a good point Nessie, I agree with you but there has to be limits. A guy wearing nail-polish is a little extreme as much as I don't like restricting people.
And the violin is cool, as are many things women do, I don't see it as vanity.
As chopper reid would say:
This here is bevan. Bevan lives in the bush and once cut off both his arms for a dare. F@$%in spot-on Bevan!
I agree with Jon, though I am more open to people being able to choose whatever sexual orientation they want, I too am sick of macho blokes strutting around with the latest parfums and face masks and hair dye trying to look "cool".
They're posers and do it simply because it is the in thing.
Dirt rules too btw.
Sjoh Jonathan, you actually sound angry.
I really don't think it is such a bad thing if a guy is a good ballet dancer or knows how to play an instrument (however feminine it might seem to some).
It that is their talent and what brings them joy, why not?
I quite like the metrosexual male. In moderation though. I've no desire to be with a guy who races me to the bathroom mirror and owns more pairs of shoes than me!
Hey Chantz,
Thanks for popping in. I'm not angry at all, the tone of the post is kind of tongue in cheek, if we were having a conversation and I said these things to you in person you would've been laughing and saying things like: "Jon don't be ridiculous"
One of the best ends to a post Jon the Man has had to date. Even if it's so un-PC it could be a member of the AWB.
In my attempt at making a career of farming I used to take cold showers at 4am before going out to chop wood and milk cows, and could pick up hot coals with my bare hands and bend wire with them too, Pliers were reserved for removing stones from your face and teeth when you fell off your horse. I had a certain aversion to "moffie goete" like conditioner, shampoo was barely tolerated and just the smell of lotion would induce nausea (especially the evil smelling cocoa butter variety)and muscles were built by cold hard sweat and barely legal farm labour (gosh have I got a myriad of those "when we were your age" stories for my grandkids) so for me the following would have been classified metrosexual: instant coffee, gyms (remember wealth and faggot club, bva- before virgin active)charcoal and firelighters. vegetables in a bag and shrinkwrapped or prepacked meat because you'd grow, slaughter or hunt your own. But on return to civilization in search of a mate, i realised females don't particularly like the caveman approach, giving people chaff marks when shaking hands,because yours were so rough... was consider socially unacceptable (imagine).
Humans are the most adaptable of creatures though, I now am irritable if my wife forgets to buy my conditioner, i now apply aftershave lotion in place of getting my face close to the fire to get rid of beard and dare I say it I use Nivea for Men (it comes in a blue bottle coincidentally) I also use not only charcoal but the insta-lite variety and horror of horrors I even use plasters, a pink Barbie one if my daughter goes and gets one of hers and kisses the boo boo better. of course before this I would have taught Rambo how to sew up that wound with a couple of thorns and not a sewing needle and thread? Ah the good old days...
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